Surrendered

I have to say that today was a great day. Nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary (except for being dunged on by a bird) happened today. The reason this day was so great is because I have discovered my passion for Jesus and his love for me again in my life.

For over a year now, I have struggled with several areas in my life that have ultimately led me to depression. Over several months of counseling, doctors, psychiatrists, and medication...the answer was simple. I am in a battle for my life. I have been in major spiritual warfare and it all came down to one fact. I have chosen to continue to live my life the way I want rather than surrendering 100% completely to Jesus. I've prayed and prayed for answers and for God to heal me and free me, but I've refused to do what He's wanted me to do....surrender completely. God wants all of me...not just parts of me. He's jealous and does not want Satan to have any victory in my life.

I made a commitment to Jesus last night that I am choosing to stand against myself and this world and I choose Him. I made a commitment that I will let him transform and completely revolutionize my life. I made a commitment that I will be sold out for Jesus Christ. I made a commitment that I will fight with everything that's in me because He fights even harder for me. He loves me. The God of this massive universe loves me. He created me, formed me, gave me my name, gave me gifts and talents, has specific plans for my life and wants the very best for me.

One thing I've struggled with a lot since growing up in a spiritually abusive environment is head vs. heart knowledge. I can quote scriptures left and right to people. I can tell you almost any story in the Bible and explain its application to our spiritual lives; however, many of those scriptures and stories have not penetrated my heart and my soul. I've grown numb over the years. Reading my Bible became boring and it felt more like an obligation than a desire to seek life and truth from Jesus.

This morning, I was getting ready for work, and I prayed, "God how can I show you that I'm committed to you? What can I do?" Immediately a song popped into my head and I went and played it. The words to the chorus are,
"I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours" - Hillsong United, The Stand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJdWGqUfzFs

This is my heart. That I will stand with arms high praising and worshiping Him every day with my heart being completely abandoned to Him because He gave everything for me. The least I can do is surrender to Him and allow him full control of my life.

Until next time...

WOW it's been a while since I've opened up this blog and sat down to write anything. A lot has happened since I last wrote which was back in 2008! It's been almost 4 years! I've decided to start blogging again just to get my thoughts and feelings out there. I've revamped the blog with a new look. Thank God for templates and sample layouts because I have no graphic creativity. Well, let's be serious...I have no creativity whatsoever. My DNA did not get that gene.

I'm going to try my best to get serious about this and post on a regular basis. However, one thing I've discovered about myself is that I always have a great ideas and start out meaning well but lack follow through. It's been a bit of a pattern in my life with certain issues but I want that to end. Baby steps right?

Currently, I am living in Shell Beach, California working as a SLP for a school system. I have approximately 70 students on my caseload and I service 3 schools...elementary, middle, and high. When I first began, I had no clue what I was doing and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into but day by day, I've become more competent and at least have an idea of what it is I'm supposed to get done. I still question my job skills, as I'm sure all people who begin new jobs fresh out of school do. Thankfully, God has placed a great SLP team around me that have given me excellent support and have encouraged me throughout this year with kind words. It is a tough job and not one I would wish for anyone to have to do.

Besides the job, I live in a condo right off the 101 and wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise overlooking the pacific ocean. At times, it is breathtaking. I couldn't ask for a better place to live. This has got to be one of the most beautiful places in the US to live and I feel extremely blessed and fortunate to be able to live here; however, I miss home soooo much. I miss my family and friends. At this point, I'm planning to leave this beautiful little paradise and move back east this summer. If God has other plans then I'm OK with that. I believe He will show me where I'm to be just like He showed me I was to move here.

Honestly, life hasn't been all sunshine and roses. I knew I had to get away from home (situations, life, friends, family) and be on my own for a while. I had to figure things out for myself and figure out what was important to me and who I was. I had lost that. I really wanted to run far away. Well, God answered that prayer by sending me all the way across the country. Since being here, I've realized I need my family and friends and I need their support. I think it took me coming this far for God to show me that. Who knows though? Things change...I've changed...situations change. Each day, I want to do something different or pursue something new. I struggle with never being content. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Tomorrow is Monday. Monday's are my hardest day. I work with middle schoolers and high schoolers all day and to be honest, I really don't know what I'm doing. I make it up as I go and to some that's a horrible thing to do but for the ones that understand my world, they get that it's all about survival! I dread Mondays and I hate feeling that way.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents in 2 weeks. They are coming to visit me. I'm so excited they will be here. It's like a little piece of home is coming to me:)

Until next time...

why?

sometimes, i want to write things on here that truly express my heart and deepest feelings but i can't. so i am questioning things right now. this will suffice.

i don't understand why some people are the way they are.

why do people go after things that are unatainable and continue to set themselves up for heartache and failure?

why does your heart and mind tell you different things?

why is it that when you want something so bad it has to take time before it happens?

why are people's priorities mixed up?

why do i feel the way i feel right now?

why do i feel like i'm in my own reality right now?

why can't i snap back into the real world and get back into where i am going with my life?

why does my mind continue to wander and think about people and things i should not be thinking about?

why do i feel all alone when i know there are so many people that care about me?

why do i feel like something is missing in my life?

why do i continue to do things that lead me to feel the way i feel when i know they are going to make me feel this way?

why do i care so deeply about people when they don't care about me as much?

slowly trying to figure out the answers to some of these questions. i may never get them all answered which is ok. things just are the way they are. so thankful i'm grounded enough to not worry about all this all the time. looking for a change and ready for that change....hopefully it's right around the corner. i'll keep my fingers crossed...

Fall Festival Weekend!

after having 3 requests asking me to blog this weekend, i think i will do so now. i have a problem though. i run my mouth and can talk about anything until the cows come home but when i sit down to type something i go blank because i can't figure out what to post. i guess i will write about my weekend.

i am currently at home in the big town of granite falls sitting on my parents front porch swing enjoying this beautiful fall morning listening to chase face snore:) and christian music because i didn't go to church this morning. my heart just wasn't wanting to go to my old church. some people may think that is a horrible thing and you should always go to church but i believe i have had more of an awesome morning with God than i would have had at church.

i could sit on this swing all day and never grow tired. i'm listening to the song "mighty to save." one of the lines in the song is "Savior, He can move the mountains." it's so amazing to me as i think back over this past year at how God has completely moved mountains in my life and has transformed me throughout. i cannot give enough thanks and praise!

on to my weekend...
i came home this weekend to visit the family and all my friends because it's that time of year again! what time of year you may ask???? FALL FESTIVALS!!! that's right...the molasses festival out in the small country town of dudley shoals and the oktoberfest in the hkwheezy! chase face and i got in friday around 6:30 pm then my dad, mom, brother, sister and i went to red lobster to celebrate alex's birthday. red lobster has their endless shrimp special right now so we got there around 7ish and stayed for 2 hours! we had a wonderful time. it was so great to be able to spend time with all of them and laugh and cut up like we always do when we get together. i miss them. i would tell you how much shrimp we ate but then that would reveal that we eat a lot so i wont :) after red lobster i went over to where anna is house sitting and i got to hang out with some people that i haven't seen in a while. i was delighted.

i got up saturday morning and helped my dad mow the yard. i didn't ride the lawn mower but i push mowed the yard! that's right. now i am sore and i actually think i pulled a muscle or bruised my hand. all i know is it is tender. i skipped the molasses festival and went shopping with melody and cathi! i said cathi! that's still weird for me. oh well! we went to starbucks to meet melody's dad to give him some books. he didn't have his key to unlock the door. the window was slightly cracked so melody goes searching in her trunk to find something to be able to reach in and unlock the door. sure enough, she found something. i have no clue what it was. it looked like a white piece of metal that goes to some piece of furniture. she's opening up her own business next month. she says she will unlock your doors for 10 bucks. sounds like a good deal to me! after shopping, i came home and took a nap because i was pooped. i think from all that mowing plus i was awake at 7:30 because i'm old now and can't sleep in anymore. after the nap, i went over to anna's then met up with melody, justin, chris, lauren and 15 billion other people that i haven't seen in a decade and we all made our way downtown for oktoberfest! all i have to say about that is good times! it was great seeing everyone. then we ended up going to hams to get some pub chips because melody and i were still hungry. we also were forced to listen to some guy ruin abunch of really good songs. but hey, he's just starting out....in hickory....at hams.....enough said. after hams, i went home and went to bed then got up this morning and enjoyed a fresh cinnamon bun and glass of milk for breakfast. my mom's the best.....not just for making cinnamon buns but because she is making HAM for lunch! my stomach just growled as i said HAM...it did it again! i'll stop teasing myself. so here i am waiting for the p-unit (parentals) to come home from church so we can eat. then alex and i will get on the road and head back to raleigh/cary where i will go straight to huddles. then maybe i can talk my fabulous roommate into going to ihop. i'm really craving some pancakes or an omelette or maybe both:)

also, i would like to add that kevin's cat "gravy" is a witch! she's scary and will randomly attack and claw you for no reason. after seeing everyone provoke her to anger this weekend, no wonder she acts the way she does. no one messes with her in her domain!

until next time....LATA!

SHUT UP! I'M ON MY PERIOD!!!!!!!

so according to a couple of my dearest friends, i always get emotional, freak out, and my mind starts going into overanalyzing everything once a month. so after a tearful and emotional week or so i am telling my mind to "SHUT UP!!!!" thank you for that realization. will this happen again? yes but until next month when you come back around, i will remain optimistic.

Seeing, Understanding, and Changing

As I sit here and think, I am so amazed by God's love for me and His faithfulness. I cannot get over how He is moving in my heart and in my life. I have prayed for a more intimate relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of who He is. I have prayed this for so long. I finally figured out how to go about doing this. First, it takes time. Second, it requires me to be disciplined. To get in the Bible, pray constantly and meditate on Him each day consistently. It seems so hard at first. To think, seriously, how can one think about God all the time? It seems boring. But, I have discovered new life. I have discovered God is not boring. He has shown me things that I would have never seen before if I was not keeping my eyes on Him. It was a challenge for me to really dive in to the Word because I was afraid I would not get anything out of it. I was afraid that He would not come through for me like He does everyone else. But, I did not listen to those thoughts. I believed that if I went to Him with everything that I am, He would meet me and be faithful. Over the past few weeks, every day I learn something new. Whether it is about myself, about Him, about a promise He has promised me or something that is not spriritually related at all, I am learning new things. He is opening my eyes to see things I have never seen before. Sometimes it hurts and is painful. Especially to see my flaws and weaknesses. But that is what I want to see. He is answering my prayers by changing me on the inside and outside. It excites me to know that I am developing a closer walk with God- the Creator of the universe! He is so big, great, powerful, and sovereign yet He chooses every day to be with me because He loves me that much. Life doesn't get sweeter than that. "Many are called but few are chosen." I am chosen by God and so grateful. I will run this race no matter how narrow, long or difficult the road of life is. As long as I abide in Him and keep my eyes fixated on Jesus Christ, I will make it and get to where I am going.

The Night of the Fly

What is one of the most annoying sounds that could keep you from falling asleep at night when you so desperately want and need to sleep???? Anyone? yes, that is right! a FLY! Oh my goodness. Last night, I was exhausted and turned my light out. As soon as I did the sound began. Yes the fly was moving about furiously throughout my room. I jumped out of the bed and turned the light on looking for something to kill it with. I grabbed a flip flop. What else could work better right? I moved slowly and quietly across my room and realized it was on my nightstand. I spotted it. It was on the lamp. I rared back and BOOM! I missed. I started swarming around everywhere. It landed. BOOM 2! I missed. I lost it. I retreat. Turn my light out and go back to bed. A few minutes later. It returned. I jumped up and tried again with the same flip flop. This time I was chasing it around my room swatting at it. I could hear it laughing at me and taunting me saying, "You can't catch me!" He was right. I lost him again. I turned the lights out and went back to bed. Once again, I heard him. I thought I need something different. I walked out to the kitchen where there happened to be a fly swatter on the refrigerator. I grabbed it and marched back to my mission. He was on my nightstand once again. I whispered, "One, two, three..." then BOOM! It's a hit! But it fell. I looked behind my nightstand and didn't see it. I thought well it's dead for now. I'll find it later. I turned my lights out and went back to bed. I was almost asleep and then he returned! He was alive! I jumped out of bed, turned on the light, grabbed the fly swatter, spotted the little turd, stormed over to the nightstand and BOOM!!! I GOT HIM!!!! I was ecstatic. I could now sleep peacefully. This time I picked him up and flushed him down the toilet. No more fly! Mission accomplished.