Surrendered

I have to say that today was a great day. Nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary (except for being dunged on by a bird) happened today. The reason this day was so great is because I have discovered my passion for Jesus and his love for me again in my life.

For over a year now, I have struggled with several areas in my life that have ultimately led me to depression. Over several months of counseling, doctors, psychiatrists, and medication...the answer was simple. I am in a battle for my life. I have been in major spiritual warfare and it all came down to one fact. I have chosen to continue to live my life the way I want rather than surrendering 100% completely to Jesus. I've prayed and prayed for answers and for God to heal me and free me, but I've refused to do what He's wanted me to do....surrender completely. God wants all of me...not just parts of me. He's jealous and does not want Satan to have any victory in my life.

I made a commitment to Jesus last night that I am choosing to stand against myself and this world and I choose Him. I made a commitment that I will let him transform and completely revolutionize my life. I made a commitment that I will be sold out for Jesus Christ. I made a commitment that I will fight with everything that's in me because He fights even harder for me. He loves me. The God of this massive universe loves me. He created me, formed me, gave me my name, gave me gifts and talents, has specific plans for my life and wants the very best for me.

One thing I've struggled with a lot since growing up in a spiritually abusive environment is head vs. heart knowledge. I can quote scriptures left and right to people. I can tell you almost any story in the Bible and explain its application to our spiritual lives; however, many of those scriptures and stories have not penetrated my heart and my soul. I've grown numb over the years. Reading my Bible became boring and it felt more like an obligation than a desire to seek life and truth from Jesus.

This morning, I was getting ready for work, and I prayed, "God how can I show you that I'm committed to you? What can I do?" Immediately a song popped into my head and I went and played it. The words to the chorus are,
"I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours" - Hillsong United, The Stand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJdWGqUfzFs

This is my heart. That I will stand with arms high praising and worshiping Him every day with my heart being completely abandoned to Him because He gave everything for me. The least I can do is surrender to Him and allow him full control of my life.

Until next time...

WOW it's been a while since I've opened up this blog and sat down to write anything. A lot has happened since I last wrote which was back in 2008! It's been almost 4 years! I've decided to start blogging again just to get my thoughts and feelings out there. I've revamped the blog with a new look. Thank God for templates and sample layouts because I have no graphic creativity. Well, let's be serious...I have no creativity whatsoever. My DNA did not get that gene.

I'm going to try my best to get serious about this and post on a regular basis. However, one thing I've discovered about myself is that I always have a great ideas and start out meaning well but lack follow through. It's been a bit of a pattern in my life with certain issues but I want that to end. Baby steps right?

Currently, I am living in Shell Beach, California working as a SLP for a school system. I have approximately 70 students on my caseload and I service 3 schools...elementary, middle, and high. When I first began, I had no clue what I was doing and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into but day by day, I've become more competent and at least have an idea of what it is I'm supposed to get done. I still question my job skills, as I'm sure all people who begin new jobs fresh out of school do. Thankfully, God has placed a great SLP team around me that have given me excellent support and have encouraged me throughout this year with kind words. It is a tough job and not one I would wish for anyone to have to do.

Besides the job, I live in a condo right off the 101 and wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise overlooking the pacific ocean. At times, it is breathtaking. I couldn't ask for a better place to live. This has got to be one of the most beautiful places in the US to live and I feel extremely blessed and fortunate to be able to live here; however, I miss home soooo much. I miss my family and friends. At this point, I'm planning to leave this beautiful little paradise and move back east this summer. If God has other plans then I'm OK with that. I believe He will show me where I'm to be just like He showed me I was to move here.

Honestly, life hasn't been all sunshine and roses. I knew I had to get away from home (situations, life, friends, family) and be on my own for a while. I had to figure things out for myself and figure out what was important to me and who I was. I had lost that. I really wanted to run far away. Well, God answered that prayer by sending me all the way across the country. Since being here, I've realized I need my family and friends and I need their support. I think it took me coming this far for God to show me that. Who knows though? Things change...I've changed...situations change. Each day, I want to do something different or pursue something new. I struggle with never being content. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Tomorrow is Monday. Monday's are my hardest day. I work with middle schoolers and high schoolers all day and to be honest, I really don't know what I'm doing. I make it up as I go and to some that's a horrible thing to do but for the ones that understand my world, they get that it's all about survival! I dread Mondays and I hate feeling that way.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents in 2 weeks. They are coming to visit me. I'm so excited they will be here. It's like a little piece of home is coming to me:)

Until next time...